Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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