I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
