I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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