my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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