he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
