38 yer olds are good kisserssss
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
50% drunk capacity currently
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
my nose is crying tears of wow.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
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