Don't make out with my wife yet
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Randomize
