Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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