Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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