I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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