ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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