when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize