Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
