Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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