I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
