I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
