i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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