What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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