Im at strip club and am horny
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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