I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
