I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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