I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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