can we get nightvision for the apartment?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
even my farts smell like vagina
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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