i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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