your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
