I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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