It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
