does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
