Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
