Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
