why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
my liver is dry heaving
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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