You're my little dorito
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
