sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
