your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
