We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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