He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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