there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
