i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
