I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
