and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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