I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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