i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
