Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
