I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
