Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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