I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
