Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
