I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
