Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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