1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i came on her dog
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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