I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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