He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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