its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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