Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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