I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
