Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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