Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
3pm strippers are depressing
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
