im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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