I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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